Baby Boomers: The Final Solution

Congratulations Baby Boomer Corporation!

Saturn Resource Management wishes to recognize the contributions of The Baby Boomer Corporation of Helena Montana for their groundbreaking environmental products that provide the following breathtaking benefits.

A Baby Boomer
  1. Mitigates health care costs
  2. Solves the aging problem
  3. Reverses population growth
  4. Repurposes under-utilized biomass
  5. Generates organic fertilizer

 

Please take a minute to listen to this hyperlinked informational audio file: Boomer_Brand_Products.

Thanks and have a happy April Fools!

 

Audio Transcript

I’ve been a tree hugger for nie on 60 years – and God knows I’ve done my bit for recycling too. Today though, I’m mostly just achy, forgetful and incontinent. That’s why I’m investing in a Boomer Brand Expirement Package.

Yes, for half the price of a funeral you can avoid the wasting of old age while contributing to the environment, the economy and to future generations.

The Boomer Expirement Package includes a Boomer (brand) Portable Family Compostorium. Make your grand exit today with our patented Mercicap expirement-acceleration capsule, now with Goodbyeanide. Cap it all off with a glass of Merlot and your favorite 8 track tape while you perish in peace.

Order now and we’ll include free a Boomer Brand Biodegradable Body Bag. Select from Earth Green, Tie Die, Harley Davidson, or Grateful Dead.

The Boomer Brand Expirement Package. Because the world needs less people and more fertilizer.

But wait, there’s more. Eternity lasts forever, so choosing the wrong faith could ruin your afterlife. But with so many doctrines to choose from, how do you choose correctly in order to enjoy your expirement in comfort and security?

Eliminate the risk of error by selecting Boomer Brand Afterlife Insurance. Yes, for merely half of your estate, we’ll guarantee you the afterlife of your choice – or your money back.

Select from our diverse menu of Judeo-Christian hereafters; Buddhist, Hindu or Pagan Reincarnations; or Atheistic Oblivions.

Survive your death in confidence knowing that our trained priests, rabbis, shamen, and compost gardeners have negotiated your passage with the supernatural authorities of your chosen doctrine.

Boomer (brand) After-life Insurance. Eternity lasts forever so be sure to get it right.

The Expirement-Party Song (Apologies to This Ole House by Stuart Hamblen)

Verse #1

My ol’ bod once knew perfection
 
My ol’ soul had little fear
 
My ol’ memory remembered
 
My digestion processed beer
 
My ol’ voice once rang with laughter
 
My ol’ mind performed with ease
 
Now my search for truth means searching for
 
My glasses and my keys

 

Chorus

Ain’t a-gonna need myself no longer

Ain’t a-gonna need myself no more

Ain’t got time to cure my shingles

Ain’t got time to be a bore

Ain’t got time to cleanse my liver

Nor to medicate my brains

Ain’t a-gonna need myself no longer

I’m a-gettin’ ready to meet the saints

Verse #2

My ol’ mind is gettin’ flaky

My ol’ body’s gettin’ old

I imaginate delusions

My ol’ guts grow toxic mold

My ol’ knees are weak and shaky

But I work through all this pain

‘Cause I hear my guru chanting

In my drug-addicted brain

Chorus:

Verse #3

My ol’ ears are afraid of noises

My ol’ mind lives the past

My ol’ body groans and trembles

When I go to wipe my ass

My ol’ willy’s gettin’ feeble

My sore butt exudes complaints

I am pissing 6 times nightly

I’m a-gettin’ ready to meet the saints

 Chorus:

 April Fools!

Writing: John Krigger and Bill Rule for Saturday Night Live in Helena, a biennial comedy show to roast Montana’s legislature.

3 thoughts on “Baby Boomers: The Final Solution”

  1. Very funny. Send this to Saturday nite live. They need new content and this is funnier than anything they do. You could become a comedy writer before you use your expirement package!

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